Up the Creek, don't have a Paddle
by Rein Hellfire
Summary: My attempt to write the worst Naruto fanfiction ever, rife with OCs, Mary/Gary-stus, bad spelling, self-inserts, generic plots, bad spelling and some strange philosophical debates in the mix. Essentially a veritable dissection of what we know as 'Naruto fanfiction'. Peachy. Marked as Parody because there is no category for 'bad'.
1. Angry, Angry Rein Hellfire

**A/N:**

**Ke. Hehehe.**

**Yes, this is a new story. I reserve the right to write whatever I like when I want to. This is... This is so bad, so insane, so STUPID-! That I had to name it a separate story, rather than shoving it in Rein Hellfire's Ramblings.**

**This story is going to be terrible. Join me on this small canoe, while I travel up Shit's creek without my trusty paddle.**

**Curse my muse. And my own, twisted, distorted sense of humor. And you might as well curse the fucking moron who PM'ed me specifically to call me a horrible writer.**

**Let's get to it.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to TV Tokyo and Masashi Kishimoto. This is only a parody (Comedy!? Horror? Tragedy?). Please support the official release.**

**Now, usually I would put something witty here, but I'm plumb out of ideas. Hmm...**

**(Insert generic funny statement here).**

**Viewer discretion. Is horribly advised. This is not good. Turn back now. This is the last stop, before you cross the precipice. You have been warned.**

A dark, shadowed figure clears his throat and begins talking in a wise sagely voice.

_"And so it begins. As they say, the road of a thousand steps begins with-"_

(Generic record scratching noise)

Eye twitch.

_"... Very well then. I'll cut to the chase. This is a story of love, of-"_

(Record scratching noise)

_"... Really? Fine. This is a shitty self-insert fic created by an insane author one dark, stormy night because he was hyped up on caffeine, set in a universe that's just perfect for bashing. THIS. IS. A. PARODY. Got it? Got it?! GOT IT!"_

The figure storms off of his podium.

_"I'M fucking leaving the shit-train now! I'm done! Done! KEKE! BWAHAHA!"_

Clunking sounds can be heard as he storms off the set.

_"FUCK YOU! I'M DONE!"_

A small man in a folding chair raises the brow of a baseball cap labeled 'The Author'.

"Well fuck." He says. "This isn't... Good."

* * *

The man woke up in a strange... Strange world.

First of all. This wasn't his house. He wasn't in his house anymore-

Wait. Since when did he have a house?

Never mind. This guy's supposed to be a generic Gary Stu self-insert. Don't question the Gary Stu.

Strange.

He took a moment to survey his surroundings. Now, normally an author would describe the surroundings in excruciating detail so as to exemplify the sheer 'awesomeness' of their self-insert character, but I'm a lazy man. So, he's in a nice house... Wearing nice clothes.

Okay? This is acceptable, right?

I'm not even going to go into detail about his looks and waste half a page. He... Looks acceptable. Like, I don't know? Pick a movie actor, or actress if that's your thing. I don't even care.

Anyway... This man looks around and smiles, because he knows his mission.

To train the young Naruto Uzumaki in the ways of the Ninja, and bash the horrendously stupid Sasuke and Sakura. To have the young boy shit on the village, the council, his twin sister and not-deceased parents-

Yes, I'm going there. Every cliche will be touched upon in this fic.

-And then to die stupendously, in a terrifically magnificent fashion. Yes. This is his destiny. His role! His DUTY!

And as he opens his obnoxiously handsome mouth with overly-sparkly teeth (Sparklier than Edward Cullen) to speak something idiotically noble about honor and duty and friendship and the power of love-

A shotgun shell takes off his head. His beautiful body crumples to the ground in slow motion. Blood spurts everywhere.

In the distance, a man named Rein Hellfire lowers his weapon.

"Yeah, fuck this shit." He deadpans.

There is work to be done.

* * *

"I'm going there." Rein says. "I am making it my priorgative-"

He shrugs.

"Yes. That is intentionally mis-spelled. The word is PREROGATIVE. I know that, don't whine to me about it. This fanfic is SUPPOSED to parody the various bad constants of Naruto fanfiction."

A small blond boy runs past him as he continues walking down the streets of Konoha.

A mob runs past, screaming random obscenities about the 'demon'.

"I mean, yes my spelling and syntax and what-not isn't the greatest, but come on! There IS a difference between 'your' and 'you're' you know. And don't get me started on 'there', 'their' and 'they're'..."

Rein Hellfire cranes his head around to observe the raging mob of Konoha civilians cornering a small blond boy.

"Here we go. Cliche number one. The 'angry mob' scenario."

The mob closes in further. Now that is a clear violation of personal space if you ask me.

... Moving on.

"Noooow... This is the part where a random thing- Man, boy, alien, woman, demon, Optimus Prime, dragon, you name it... Comes in and saves the poor Naruto from a demented horde of smelly, usually drunk and ugly villagers."

Rein Hellfire readies his weapons...

He turns away.

"Usually, that's the case. However, in this fanfic, I'm mocking all of the cliches. Or trying to at any rate."

He smirks.

"I mean, the 'mob' scenario is SO overdone." Rein Hellfire continues. "I've read so many horri-bad fics that begin like that..."

"NOW! LET'S KILL THE DEMON LIKE THE 'DESPICABLE SCUM' WE'RE ALWAYS PORTRAYED AS!"

"YEAH! LET'S KILL THE DEMON AND MAKE IT SUFFER OUR PAIN... Even though we're not in pain... WHO CARES!?"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING!"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!"

Young Naruto screams in agony as his young, innocent body is-

A giant meteor crashes in and crushes the mob, somehow not crushing the boy.

"... Okay..."

And then Kami speaks.

"Oh dear god. No, not capital G 'God'. Just a generic..."

He throws his hand into the air.

"And here we go. The 'Kami is disgusted by the idiotic village and tries to heal Naruto' thing. Another... I... Flurgen..."

For the record, I do say flurgen. Sometimes.

A bright light carries Naruto away.

"And the way this goes... Is that Naruto wants revenge on Konoha. But more on that later."

Rein Hellfire turns to the screen.

"Now, this is usually where authors would insert pathetic pleas for reviews. But I'm not going to bother, because this is genuinely bad."

He turns and observes the sky.

"Tune in next time... If there is a next time... For more idiocy. Insanity. You know. A comprehensive dissection of fanfiction by an inept student. It's not going to be pleasant. It's not going to be fun. But... It's entertaining to write."

He flashes a thumbs up at the screen.

"See you all... Up the creek, into the shit-storm."

Rein Hellfire pauses.

"Incidentally, is it actually possible to copulate with a deity? Because those two are getting it ON up there. Which is kind of weird and freaky, because Naruto is generally a child in these stories..."

**A/N:**

**Cliches touched upon:**

**-Angry Mob scene.**

**-Kami-saves-Naruto scene.**

**I'm going now. Updates for all my stories are going to be protracted, because of the stupid author who took precious time out of his day to put me down as well as school.**

**Don't offer feedback. Nothing can save this train-wreck of a story.**


	2. Lemmings

**A/N:**

**Holy FUUUUCK. This is annoying. Stupid broken arm. I'm all hopped up on painkillers right now after I BROKE MY FUCKING ARM.**

**I had this chapter finished beforehand, but still... No more writing, for a long time. Definitely not. Stupid arm! WHY DID YOU BREAK?! WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID!**

**... Enough on my arm. (This A/N took me 5 minutes to write...). Here's the shit-storm. **

**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to TV Tokyo and Masashi Kishimoto. This is only a parody (Comedy!? Horror? Tragedy?). Please support the official release.**

**That was a disclaimer. Below this A/N is a shitty story.**

**Let's get to it. Where's my paddle?**

Chapter One: Scraping the Bottom

Rein Hellfire gazes at the screen.

"Hello, dear reader. If you are reading this, I feel obligated to give you the following warning."

He proceeds to take a deep breath.

"This is a shitty fic. Very bad. Read at your own discretion. Maybe you'll get some sort of entertainment out of it, I don't know. I'm just a monkey at a keyboard here."

He clears his throat.

"Once again, viewer discretion is advised, as most likely, you will find yourself frothing at the mouth and bleeding from your eyes after reading this horrible story."

Behind him, in the village of Konoha, Naruto Uzumaki-Namikaze-Uchiha-Hyuga-Name-whatever-clan-y ou-want-here descends from the heavens, laughing maniacally.

"AND NOW, WITH MY NEW BLOODLINES, I SHALL DESTROY THE VILLAGE AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, EVEN THOUGH I COULD DESTROY IT RIGHT NOW BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! AHAHAHAHA!"

"..." Rein Hellfire face-palms. "Fucking troll-logic. Just... Fuck."

"And I banged a goddess!"

"It's a steep hill to climb... Very steep..."

* * *

"To begin with, I shall touch upon the 'goddess' thing." Rein Hellfire begins irritably.

The man is currently walking along the streets of Konoha. Innocent children are playing on the streets.

"Aside from the fact that it seems somehow... Wrong to do something like that to a deity..." He continues. "Personally, I believe that a true deity wouldn't even bother with the pathetic life of a generic loud-mouthed orphan."

He shrugs.

"I'm sorry, that's what I think. Because a deity would probably have better things to do than obsess over the 'sad' story of a demon container. How many demon containers have there been? A crap-ton, probably. Several dozen at the very least. And these deities only show interest in Naruto?"

Rein facepalms.

"Sorry, that seems contrived to me... I just don't think that whatever god a fanfiction writer introduces in his story would deign to meddle in the life of an insignificant mortal whose lifespan is essentially a fraction smaller than a blink of an eye to said deity."

He sighs once again before falling further into his slump of depression.

"Annnnd... Here we go. Naruto Uzumaki has returned and-"

A random arm flies past his face and off of the screen, trailing blood as it goes.

"NOW! TASTE MY PAIN! TASTE IT!" Naruto roared. "WITH MY AWESOME! AWE-INSPIRING DOUJUTSU AND RANDOM BLOODLINE LIMITS OF EPICNESS! TASTE OBLIVION! FALLLLLLCON!"

"Aaannd here we are. He has returned and is now... Inflicting pain onto the people who tormented him..."

Rein sighed.

"Why do you idiots feel the need to use the word 'Pain' all the goddamn time? In summaries, in the actual story... It's overused..."

Another arm flies onto the screen. A head rolls at the foot of Rein Hellfire, who picks it up and inspects it briefly before tossing it away.

"I don't know. Maybe because half of these buffoons are hormonal teenage brats. I wouldn't know."

Off in the distance, away from the carnage, a group children continue to play in the streets. In the distance, a duck-haired scowling Uchiha is walking towards the screen.

"Don't even give me that 'Chosen One' bullshit." Rein Hellfire deadpans. "The way I look at it, if there truly is a deity, the world is an ant-farm and it is the nerdy kid who pokes around with it occasionally. For the first few hundred years, it's interesting, but then! Then the kid loses interest in the ant farm. I just have a hard, hard-ass time wrapping my head around the fact that Naruto is actually a nice enough guy to gain a deity's (or deities) affections."

The duck-haired kid runs into the playing children.

"Get out of my way!"

And proceeds to shove them to the curb.

"And that's another thing..." Rein continues. "Naruto's personality. In all of the 'Angry mob' scenes or the 'neglected!' Fics or the aforementioned 'Kami saves Naruto' scenario, Naruto usually wants VENGEANCE on the people of Konoha."

He pauses.

"Yes. Vengeance. Fucking... Last I checked, Naruto wasn't Sasuke Uchiha! And then these imbeciles give him a harem because his personality is 'winsome'. Yes, some idiot whose name I shall not mention actually described a Sasuke! Naruto's personality as 'winsome' in a PM to me when I commented on how Naruto's broody behavior actually attracted women instead of repulsing them."

Rein Hellfire massages his temples irritably.

"Because, as far as I know-"

"PUUUUUNCH!"

More gore and blood.

"LET's CONTINUE ATTACKING THE DEMON EVEN THOUGH DOING SO WOULD KILL US ALL!" A villager shouted.

"NO! LET'S RUN AWAY LIKE THE FILTH WE'RE PORTRAYED AS!" Another yelled.

"LET'S DO BOTH!"

"YEAH!"

"-Killing people ruthlessly and mercilessly should be a huge turn-off. Unless you're into that sort of thing..." The shameless self-insert known as Rein Hellfire muttered.

* * *

"I apologize for the rant, but this needs to be said." Rein Hellfire walked away from the scene of the... Massacre.

It was brutally violent.

"Fucking hell. Brooding over vengeance and how you're going to violently kill people isn't fucking winsome. God damn. Son of a slutbag. And I fail to see how a cookie-cutter character with no fucking personality and who cares only about vengeance could actually show enough depth of emotion to have sexual relationships with beautiful women. That's how many authors write Naruto nowadays. As a fucking cookie-cutter character, with no depth, screaming the same overused phrases of vengeance or love or just acting like an emo, or acting evil or dark..."

The man takes a deep, rasping breath.

"It's repetitive, okay? In these types of fics, there is no character development at all. And that's something that I love to see, character development. How a character evolves. It's a wondrous thing, and it's awesome and beautiful... Because these stories a about people in the end, and people are interesting. Physical descriptions aren't that interesting, but how a character changes over time... Now that's interesting to see. If there is any sort of character development in the story at all... Ah. That's a step in the right direction."

He clears his throat.

"Of course, there are different ways that character development could go, but more on that later. For now, let's turn to exhibit A."

Rein Hellfire motions to the child behind his body.

"Exhibit A. Sasuke Uchiha."

The little boy grunts haughtily and proceeds to scowl. "You want something, plebian?"

"Note the Lemming-like behavior, how he proceeds to antagonize everyone and everything, and generally act like a complete ass."

Sasuke grunts again.

"You can't talk to me like that! I'm the last Uchiha! You have to do what I say!"

"Also note the extreme arrogance, far beyond what is shown in the manga or anime. Sasuke generally acted like a brooding lone wolf, as far as I could remember. He didn't beg or ask or whine or demand for anything... Not really. And he actually does have a pretty damn traumatic backstory to justify SOME of his more negative traits. Of course I really, really dislike the guy because he's a backstabbing, power-hungry, inferiority-complex, insane lunatic for a good portion of the manga. But I digress."

Rein turns serious.

"My point is, Sasuke was generally not this douchy. He wasn't that much of an ass when he was a kid. He was a douchebag later on, but not THAT much of an ass. Do you have to write him as a lemming character with no personality? Really...?"

"Hey! I'm the last Uchiha! Respect me, or I'll kill you! No! I'll get the councilmen to kill you because generally, in these kind of fics, I have no redeeming features and am incredibly stupid!"

"These cookie-cutter lines... To you bashing enthusiasts, have you no creativity? Have you no shame? Sasuke could have been a better, more interesting developed character. But instead, he's turned into this... This lemming of a character, with personality to boot."

Rein Hellfire shakes his head.

"Sad. So sad."

He turns to the screen.

"Don't you see, dear reader? Three lines are enough for me to ascertain that THIS Sasuke has no depth, this Sasuke is naught but a soulless shell of a boy. A real lemming character..."

"Yeah! I'm the last Uchiha! And my goals are more important than anyone else's and I'll do whatever it takes to kill my brother! Even fighting people who are massively OP! And the council loves me, and... And... Naruto is a dobe even though he now shows signs of being anything but a dobe what with his uber harem!"

"Wait, Sasuke dumbass! You forget that I'm the chosen of God, and I have the eyes of Kishimoto-sama himself! Prepare to die, all who wronged me! For I have a harem, even though I act and speak like a scumbag! I'm winsome! WINSOME! WIIIIINSOME!" A bloody, evil-looking Naruto burst onto the scene.

... Facepalm...

Rein Hellfire crosses himself briefly.

"May whatever deity out there (No, not you!)... Save our souls." He sighs. "We're at the bottom of the barrel here, and it's not looking good..."

It's going to be a long-ass journey. But it's going to be worth it in the end, right? Right?

...

...

No, it isn't. It's not going to be okay.

And in the distance, a disgustingly beautiful girl dressed in overly elaborate clothing skips merrily.

(Who the fuck skips nowadays? Especially with fucking... Forest animals following her?)

Her name... Is Mary-Sue Self-insert. And the shit is about to hit the fan.

(Oh god. Someone, help me? Please? Aid is appreciated.)

END!

**A/N:**

**Cliches touched upon in this chapter:**

**-Elaborating on why I personally think the entire 'Kami-saves-Naruto-and-proceeds-to-make-kissy-face -with-him' deal is just plain... Overused. And it doesn't make sense.**

**-Vengeful!Dark!Emo!Insane! Naruto.**

**-Lemming! Sasuke. And Lemming! Villagers.**

**-Cardboard Characters in general. While acceptable in parody or humor situations, if one is writing a serious story... Not okay.**

**-Mary-Sues (briefly).**

**-Badly placed cliffhangers. (Cliffhangers of DEAAATH!)**

**-Monologuing. Dear God, the monologuing.**

**-Shameless self-insert.**

**-Huge Blocks of text.**

**And I am still sour about that broken right arm. That's actually horrible...**

**Here's where I would usually ask for feedback, but this time I'm not going to bother. This is a bad story.**


End file.
